This is some dear diary shit. Sorry. The TL;DW version is I’m feeling more and more confident based on my little low cost bet experiments right now.
There aren’t enough hours in the day.
This has been one of the best weeks of my life as far as progress goes.
I skipped Jui-jitsu, however. I just don’t have time to completely work ON my business and IN my business, to be cliche af.
But I won’t skip next week. I’m just going to grind through the weekend and hopefully go into next week with some breathing room.
I’ve been preparing for this hard work for a while. YEARS. My brain has felt stuck, though. But somehow the microcognitive (i don’t know if “microcognitive” is a real word. It sounds right based on “microcognition”, which IS a word) side of Jiu-Jitsu has opened up this mental block. I’m flowing.
I’m also listening to the album “Me” by Empress Of. Some of the pitched electric percussion here is so great (I know, random thing to love, but it IS!). And then I remembered, “Oh, yeah… she used to record in my apartment in Brooklyn.” Huh.
No, we never even met for more than a pass through the living room. Those were turbulent emotional times for me, just getting back together with my ex as I moved into a new place with 4 roommates lol. I barely talked to anyone. I’ll get more into Brooklyn shit at some point…
I’ve been around a lot of great people in my life and the feeling of inadequacy has often overwhelmed me. I’ve been waiting years to prove myself to some proverbial someone. I wish i didn’t feel that way. That’s some codependent shit.
Now I suppress that feeling when it comes along. I just want to like myself. That’s why I do anything now.
But also, I don’t have to suppress it, really…that’s not exactly what is happening anymore. I think part of the issue was that, before, I just didn’t know how to measure myself.
When you start in Jiu-Jitsu, you fail A LOT. But the stakes are low. You make a bunch of low cost bets and then once you have a bunch of data based on how those bets went, you can pick a direction!
In Jiu-Jitsu you can’t fake anything. It is all going to be exposed out there on the mat. So you just learn to brutally except EXACTLY where you are at.
And I can apply these calibrated lenses to my whole life now. I hope this makes sense/also I doubt anyone is reading.
…except maybe my dad, because I changed my youtube/gmail/google+ name to BOBBY dot TV and now he knows this exists.
Which is cool, too.
Again, this blog right now is a bunch of VERY LOW COST BETS. The stakes are low. I am just probing ideas. Seeing the results. And I think I have my move planned out. I am in the process of trying to execute my game plan.
I am not stopping until I build a media/e-commerce company that I can be proud of. I have 3 stealth projects also conducting small little bets. I will be popping those off soon.
Like in Jiu-Jitsu, I’ve drilling the fundamentals and now it’s time to start rolling, gaining data to figure out what to do.
There’s only so much time in the day.
And yeah, I keep not eating because I feel like if I stop I might not get this flow back. That’s why I didn’t go to Jiu-Jitsu, either. I couldn’t risk letting it take over my brain which is ultra-focussed on this.
Oh, I also separated a lot of my business and personal accounts that were intertwined. There is more to go, but now my chrome login is my business account, not my old personal one. Even that change alone changes my behavior at the computer.
All of these 1% differences are adding up in my life. Again, because of this microcognition stuff – I’m taking time to think about how I do things and what I should be doing next.
I know most adults get this. I’ve been stuck.
And I don’t really have anyone to tell this to right now.
God should I read Tools of Titans (amazon affiliate link). Unfortunately, it costs way more than what I paid for it. But I just made my second Tim Ferriss reference in the past two days and maybe I should give it a shot.
If anyone is like, “oh shit, i want to help in some way, email me.”
I’ve never felt confident enough to ask for anyone’s help, publicly.
This post is just me feeling good right now.
Please don’t start WW3.