It’s weird, since the al-anon meeting, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve read a million books and blog posts and tweets that were all “be yourself”, “play to your strengths”, etc., but I was always trying to strive for… something. I don’t know.
I have also been listening to the audiobook version of Phil Knight’s “Shoe Dogs” (guy that started Nike). He describes the personalities of the characters in his life so vividly in this book, and the timing is perfect for my brain to be receptive to this and interpret this as a “be yourself” message. He was shy and awkward, and the woman he eventually marries even more so. I don’t know if I would use those words to describe myself, but I just liked that he owned who he was.
So, I’m in Portland, where after 10 months, I just can’t connect with anyone for whatever reason. But that gives me TIME…time and very little obligations and a stack of like 100 books that I want to read…the timing is perfect for me to just plow through them.
Oh, I forgot, I also read this Hunter S. Thompson letter about finding your purpose and leading a meaningful life. Like, I’m not sad. I only get sad when I frustratingly try to be like other people and force myself to follow what other people do.
I read two books on Christmas. They were just shortish Kindle singles, but it was definitely my favorite Christmas in recent memory.
But 3 people tried to message me and all three messages made me curl up into a ball. I just wanted to read and think! My skype kept ringing. I don’t want to talk on skype. I don’t want to fill some void for other people. I’m sorry. You know when they say “when you say yes to things you don’t want to do, you’re saying no to the things you want to do?” Or whatever the saying is. That.
Anyway – that’s what led me to deciding to read and bust through these books. Because that’s what I feel like I have to do right now. I have the privilege and time to dedicate to doing that, and I will regret if I don’t.
I’m not sure what my purpose is, tbh, but I trust these books to give me some wisdom to keep moving towards it.
I also love reading because it’s like training myself to single-task, when I foolishly spent most of my early 2010’s optimizing for multi-tasking. I think I did a lot of damage to my brain from that. Not kidding.
I had a lot more to say in the version of this post that I wrote in my head, but it’s more important that I get back to reading.
This 50 will include books that I’ve started, but haven’t finished yet, and maybe a few graphic novels, because some of the books that I’m planning on reading are LONG AF. That series that came out about Churchill is especially exciting.
I probably shouldn’t start every paragraph with “I”, but it’s my blog, about my life. Or lack of life. JK, I like my life.