You don’t have to read this. I just needed to type it out and don’t want to burden anyone in my real life.
In July I got computer parts for a hackintosh.
In August when I went to finally install OSX / Mac OS, I realized my older macbook pro is right before the cutoff where I can download the version I need. Fuck.
I tried an earlier version and got it to mostly work, but couldn’t upgrade. But i was rocking Windows 10 on the new computer, and it was fun to use Windows for the first time in my adult life (I think I’ve been Mac only for 18 years before that). I could still work on my macbook pro until I got the Mac OS version I needed.
Near the end of August I dropped my Chromebook and it smashed to pieces. I could replace the screen right now for like $30 and still use it semi-smashed, but I decided to just let it go.
Then a week later my Macbook Pro died (2 laptops in one week…).
So at this point, I’m Windows 10 only on my “hackintosh”, and I mostly hate it. I know I decribed it as “fun” above, but it’s not a great experience.
On a whim, I ask on twitter what a good Linux distro is. I get one response, “Manjaro”.
The next day I install that shit, and it’s awesome! It feels like 2009-2011 Mac OS – the good years (and they are both unix based, so a lot of things are familiar).
I attach my ssd’s from my Macbook Pro, which I can read, but because of encryption/permissions, I can’t copy over my files. Fuck. My work is stuck on those drives.
I message the first person I can think of that has a Mac and ask if they haven’t updated their OS yet (so i can get the specific one I need). They reply that they haven’t. EUREAKA, BITCH (sorry, i hate using that word, but i couldn’t think of a funny replacement in this case). I’m back in business, right? Well…not exactly. It’s someone that I messaged with on okcupid before that, and we hang out twice in early October, she doesn’t bring her laptop, and since it ended up being a romantic hangout, i drop the Mac OS thing: 1. because I’m not an asshole and 2. because I’m actually starting to learn Manjaro and make progress rebuilding my work. Fuck it, I don’t need Mac OS…maybe I’ll get it later, but maybe not, but moving forward…
I had learn a ton of shit to be competent. But I’m not mad. It’s useful stuff. But it was a lot of work, and suddenly this person is getting all pissed at me because I’m spending all my time trying to scramble and rebuild all of my work. Like…fuck. I can’t win. I am hurting someone else by trying to get my life together.
Finally, after a ton of work, studying, trial and error, etc., I’m murdering it…I’m so far ahead of where I ever was on my work, feeling like I’m in a great groove, every day amazing myself and feeling proud and fulfilled…and then my SSD with manjaro on it dies.
I lose everything.
Ok, time to come up with a serious backup plan. And I need to commit to using version control full time (even though at this point I’m flying solo). I can’t let a computer dying fuck me over again. Fool me 3 times…shame on…fuck.
I reinstall Manjaro a few dozen times over a weekend, tweaking it, learning, getting everything set up perfectly. This is not longer just a fascination, this is going to be my OS that I’m going to be working in.
Start working again. This is November. This time, I get even further along.
I put in like 4-5 days into learning everything about git workflows, deployment, etc. I’m ready to get my projects on verison control, and have backups, so no matter what happens, I’m good.
I sign up for this paid company, I read ALL over their docs, and follow it line by line. There is an error. I message their support and I’m like, “hey, i followed everything your docs say word for word, what gives?”
“Oh, we forgot to tell you an obvious step… here, follow this other thing instead.”
Me: “Instead? Do I have to? I want to stick to the way I was doing it, I don’t feel comfortable with what you just sent me and it doesn’t seem to accomplish what I told you I am setting out to do.”
And then…instead of arguing any more, I listened to them and just did what they sent me, step by step. They are the experts, right? Time for me to STFU and do what the experts are telling me…
Well, there was an extra step that they didn’t list on THAT new page – it asked me to enter a password. Odd. I check again. Definitely not listed there. But it’s just a password, right? Seems simple. Type my password. Oops, wrong password. And guess what… IT DELETED MY WORK. The folder just went poof.
I explained to them what happened and they gave me all of these patronizing non-answers. (“maybe you should switch to a visual git client”. MF’ER my work didn’t disappear because of that!) So I was like, “watch this”: and did it again on video. And this fuckwad (no offense guy) is still acting like he can’t understand what I did. Very frustrating legalese denial bullshit. Just admit you are wrong. damn. I’m not going to sue you. (i’m now noticing that EVERYONE acts like this. Nobody is accountable. Including myself. What a sick society we live in where this is the norm in business/government/etc. I am definitely working on changing this about myself.)
But anyway, for the third time now, i lost all of my work.
If i had just added the one missing step to what I had originally done, it would have worked fine (which is what I tried about 1 minute after my folder disappeared…and it worked fine. He gave me bad fucking advice).
That was the hardest loss of the three. Because my computer didn’t break, I just got bad advice from the support which cost me my work. I want/wanted to quit. I never took quitting seriously until that moment.
This was about mid-November.
And since then, I’ve just been spinning my wheels. I can’t seem to even do simple things to get moving forward. I try to recreate my work, and things I’ve done 2-3 times now just won’t work. I’ll sit down with energy and focus and purpose and just hit a brick wall that I can’t get past. It’s maddening.
Like how is it Dec. 13th (now 14th as I edit this) and I’ve got nothing to show for myself since then? I try every day. I don’t understand how I can’t get things to work that I’ve gotten to work 3 times already.
I’ve put my whole life on hold to try to get my shit working again, and now I’m just stuck.
Mistakes were made.
I literally don’t know how to quit because I don’t know what else to do, but I’m also not moving forward in any tangible way.
If I could have just read my Mac files in early September, life would be different right now. If my friend had just brought over her laptop, life would be different right now. If my ssd didn’t die, life would be different now. If this stupid company had good docs/didn’t give me bad advice, life would be different right now.
Again, I’m just venting. Sorry if you read this. I just needed to get it out.
What brought this post on is that last week – I desperately searched the internet for a torrent for the version of Mac OS that I need…maybe I could download it quickly, install it, read my old Mac ssd’s and continue my work from back in August… but NOBODY IS SEEDING the damn file. I’ve had this torrent program open for a week and it is still at 0% downloaded. It’s like COME ON…give me one fucking break.
Here’s the thing, I know that in the grand scheme of things – whatever – way worse things will happen to me in life. But I just wasted 4 months of my life with NOTHING to show for it. (great, i’m deep in the capitalize words angrily phase now).
That’s why this blog has died, btw. That’s why I stopped making Youtube videos. That’s why i closed my twitter for a while. Because I’m just trying to get back to where I was in August, and I can’t. Well, I got way past that twice already…but right now, I can’t.
Anyway, trying again right now at midnight to make any progress. Maybe tonight is the night that something will work.
Also, I saw that my Jiu Jitsu instructor was promoted today. I think that triggered me too. I look up to her like whoa. I stopped doing BJJ to get this shit sorted out, as well. And the last time I was at a promotion ceremony was literally my favorite night in Portland. So i missed something I really would have loved to be at. I missed a lot of things since August that I wanted to do.
I can’t believe this is 1500+ words.
I have 2 weeks to turn this year around.